How to Raise Children Who Feel Loved and Connected
An interview with Pirie Jones Grossman of Authority Magazine
Communicate openly with your child. Children want to be heard and truly listened to. You might not understand everything they are going through, but they will feel the effort from you in trying to understand their experience, and sitting with them in the tough times. When a child approaches their parent with an issue, it’s important for parents to listen without getting defensive. This is important at any age, not just teenagers and older children. This is vital even with toddlers and very young children who may not have fully developed language skills. If a child is expressing their emotions through behaviors like tantrums, it’s important for parents to identify and acknowledge those feelings.
Parenting is challenging. We all try so hard to give our all to our children. We desperately want them to feel loved and connected. But somehow there is often a disconnect. Perhaps it’s a generational thing, or that we don’t seem to speak the same language as our children, or just all of the “disconnection” that our kids are dealing with in today’s frenetic world. What are steps that parents can take to help their children feel loved and connected? As a part of our series about “How to Raise Children Who Feel Loved and Connected” we had the pleasure to interview Dr. Melony Cohen.
Dr. Melony Cohen is a licensed clinical psychologist with extensive experience in providing attachment-based, developmentally-focused services to children and families. Her research and clinical interests focus on diagnosis and intervention for early childhood and adolescents, as well as parent training, counseling, and family psychotherapy.
Thank you so much for joining us! Before we dive in, our readers would love to get to know a bit about you. Can you tell us your “childhood backstory”?
Iwas born and raised in Los Angeles, CA and still reside here, running my private practice. From a young age, I knew my passion and calling was to become a therapist. My desire to enter this field was sparked by the loss of a close friend to depression and suicide in middle school. Soon after, I volunteered for a teen-to-teen hotline called Teen Line, which solidified my desire to become a clinician. After earning my bachelor’s degree from UCLA, I received my doctorate in Clinical Psychology from the California School of Professional Psychology, Los Angeles. Following graduation, I completed a clinical fellowship at the Reiss Davis Child Study Center, where I worked to provide the best services to clients of all ages. Currently, through my private practice, I provide each client with the support and tools they need to surpass the intergenerational wounds or trauma that are too challenging and stressful to address on one’s own. I work with my clients as a team to overcome these challenges in order to bring upon self-awareness, mindfulness in choices and behaviors, and self-fulfillment throughout life.
Can you share the story about what brought you to this specific point in your career?
Throughout my schooling and training, I knew I wanted to work with adolescents and children and made that my focus. While there are many great therapists and healthcare workers who specialize in working with children, I recognized a gap in support for this population, particularly in parenting work and working with very young children. This is why I sought out training and certification in Child Parent Psychotherapy (CPP), a specialized type of therapy for children aged 0 to 5. It may seem unusual that a child, or even an infant, would be in mental health treatment, but in CPP, the child and their parent are considered the client, not just the child alone. This allows the clinician to work with both the child and the parent and address issues like recurrent tantrums, aggression, yelling, and longer-term issues like depression, anxiety, and trauma responses.
There was a specific case in my training that influenced my decision to focus on parenting work. I worked with a teenage boy in a community mental health agency who lived in a group home after being charged with multiple crimes. Because he lived in a group home and the facility had limitations, his family was unable to attend family therapy sessions and they did not have access to parenting classes. It was frustrating to think about how treatment seemed hopeless for this teenager, who was really just a child, so alone and not connected to his family. I worked hard to maintain as much normalcy as possible and helped him understand the attachment dysfunctions he had experienced while growing up. Although he made great strides in therapy, I couldn’t help but think about all the work that could have been done if I had been able to work with him and his family as a unit.
Later, I worked at an agency where it was required for each client’s parent to have at least one session with the therapist every two weeks. I began working with a young boy who was headed down a dangerous path of aggression, high-risk behaviors, and potential drug use and illegal activity — the same path the teenager from the previous agency had gone down with little support or guidance. However, this time, the family had the resources to attend treatment and the boy’s mother was brought into treatment as well. I worked with her weekly on parenting skills, communication skills, and skills that helped her grow as an individual, not just as a parent. This was the work that changed the outcome for this family and this young boy. She began to give him the space to express himself in a safe way, the skills to manage his anger and frustration, and most importantly, she began to shower him with love — something that had been lost in the constant arguing and fighting before treatment.
This case was a turning point for me. I saw how this young boy’s entire life was so improved in big part because of the growth and change his mother initiated. I realized that parent training and counseling is often overlooked, but it can be the key missing piece in treatment for young people. That is why parent counseling and skills training are such a focus of my work in my current private practice.
Ok, thank you for that. Let’s now jump to the core of our discussion. This is probably intuitive to many, but it would be beneficial to spell it out. Based on your experience or research, can you explain to us why it is so important to forge a strong connection with our children?
Humans are wired to need connections with other humans. Without them, we cannot survive. We need connections to others just as much as we need food, water, and shelter. This is why isolation is used as a torture method — it truly deprives someone of one of their basic human needs. Given the importance of having connections with others, it is no surprise that healthy relationships are vital for success and happiness in life. Our communication styles, love languages, behaviors, and general actions in relationships are all based on the relationships we had and continue to have with our parents. Children with secure and loving attachments to their parents tend to grow up and have the same types of attachments and healthy relationships throughout their adult lives. On the other hand, children with insecure attachments, such as anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachments, will grow up to have similarly insecure relationships. The connection each person has with their parents is directly related to their future success or difficulties in all relationships — whether platonic, romantic, or professional. That is why it is so important to create a strong, loving, and, most importantly, safe connection with your children.
What happens when children do not have that connection, or only have a weak connection?
Lack of connection or a weak connection with a parent can lead to unhealthy and insecure attachment styles. As previously mentioned, people often maintain the same attachment style with adults in their life as they did with their parents growing up. This can lead to dysfunction in all relationships, which can be a precursor for mental illness and difficulties such as depression, anxiety, trauma responses, and other issues that can lead to impairments in school, work, and overall functioning.
Do you think children in this generation are less likely to feel loved and connected? Why do you feel the way you do?
This generation faces many challenges that previous generations did not, particularly related to the fast-paced world and the proliferation of online “connections” through social media, which can make it harder to find true connections. However, I don’t believe that children in this generation are less likely to feel loved and connected. As we discussed before, children develop strong feelings of love and connection at a very young age. Although the world has changed, the natural bond between parent and child that must be nurtured and supported has not. Parents and children, regardless of generation or cultural background, have a basic need for connection and bonding. While the ways in which this bond is formed may vary, the connection is still always needed and desired. Unless there are unfortunate circumstances, like a traumatic event or physical or mental illness, children and parents strive to build this bond. They are simply two humans spending time with each other and working to understand how to best respond to one another.
We live in a world with incessant demands for our time and attention. There is so much distraction and disconnection. Can you share with our readers 5 steps that parents can take to help their children feel loved and connected? Please include examples or stories for each, if you can.
Five tangible things that parents can do to ensure that their children feel loved and connected to them are:
First, communicate openly with your child. Children want to be heard and truly listened to. You might not understand everything they are going through, but they will feel the effort from you in trying to understand their experience, and sitting with them in the tough times. When a child approaches their parent with an issue, it’s important for parents to listen without getting defensive. This is important at any age, not just teenagers and older children. This is vital even with toddlers and very young children who may not have fully developed language skills. If a child is expressing their emotions through behaviors like tantrums, it’s important for parents to identify and acknowledge those feelings. For example, you could say, “you’re showing me with your body right now that you are very angry,” or “I can see that you are having a lot of uncomfortable feelings right now.” Because a child at that young age does not yet have the skills to verbalize their emotions, their parent needs to help do it for them.
Second, model positive behaviors for your child. Children absorb all kinds of information from their parents, including how to regulate their emotions. If a parent uses techniques like breathing exercises or talking through problems, a child is more likely to follow their example. When a child sees their parent following the advice and guidance they give, it helps build trust and a strong connection. Modeling these actions demonstrates that you are keeping your word.
Third, make time for quality activities together. It is important to note that quality time is just as important as the other items on this list, despite it not being listed first. Spending quality time together is vital for building strong connections between children and their parents. It’s important for children and their parents to form a relationship by doing activities they both enjoy. This helps build a bond and connection that is difficult to establish in the daily routine of life. For example, you could work on an art project together, cook together, go on a walk, or just sit down and chat for a few minutes. This can be done as a family or one-on-one with each parent and one child. When setting goals for increasing quality time, it is important to ensure that they are achievable. For example, it is not realistic to aim for hours of quality time with each child on a regular basis. What would be more realistic and attainable is spending a few minutes playing a game, one-on-one, with each of your children every day or every other day.
Fourth, set boundaries. This may seem counterintuitive, but setting boundaries is crucial for building and maintaining strong connections with your child. Children, especially toddlers and adolescents, need boundaries to thrive. For example, I worked with a four-year-old boy and his mother in Child Parent Psychotherapy treatment for over a full year due to some significant behavioral concerns. Tantrums that included screaming, hitting, biting, throwing, and overall, a lot of aggression were occurring upwards of 20 times per day on most days. This mother had three older children to take care of as well and was so unbelievably burnt out, that she would drop almost every single boundary that she set. For example, if she set a rule like, “no ice cream before dinner,” he knew that if he cried enough, she would give in, and he could have what he wanted. When a child knows they can cry, complain, get angry, etc. and get what they want, it undermines their ability to self-regulate and can lead to long-term problems. This also undermines the trust and connection that child has with their parent. Maintaining clear boundaries helps children feel secure and fosters stronger bonds with their parents. It is important to establish fair and achievable boundaries, and to follow through with them consistently.
Fifth, helping them to achieve their own self-regulation skills and abilities. This is directly related to the fourth step and will naturally begin to form on its own once setting boundaries are being set and maintained consistently. If a child is able to self-regulate, they have the abilities to talk themselves down from strong emotions, have flexibility towards changing environments and situations, and are able to build the capacity for delayed gratification. Helping children develop their own self-regulation skills and abilities is important for building strong bonds with them. When children are able to regulate their emotions and adapt to changing situations, they can communicate effectively and solve problems together with their parents. This instills confidence in your child. These skills, which include the ability to manage strong emotions and delay gratification, are fundamental to a child’s development and have been linked to success in adulthood. In fact, studies have shown that individuals with strong self-regulation skills tend to achieve higher levels of education, higher salaries, and more successful relationships. Teaching self-regulation to young children is crucial, as it is a skill that will benefit them throughout their entire lives.
There are some specific games that can be played with children and parents that assist with building self-regulation skills. Playing these types of games twice per week for 30 minutes at a time has proven to increase self-regulation skills. Parents should make a connection between being able to control our own bodies, both in the game and in real life. Red light, green light, freeze (the music game), and playing with bubbles (allow your child to pop as many bubbles as they like while music is playing, but once the music stops, they cannot pop any bubbles at all until the music starts up again).
How do you define a “good parent”? Can you give an example or story?
Defining what makes a good parent is a complex task, as it involves taking into account the unique histories, cultures, and experiences of individual parents. The only way to truly make this happen, is to simplify it to its core. And to me, that is done by the phenomenal theorist and psychotherapist, Donald Winnicott, who termed the phrase, “a good-enough mother,” which we now expand to “good-enough parent,” to be inclusive of all parents. At its core, being a “good-enough” parent means providing children with love, safety, protection, and tolerance. It also involves the ability to mentalize, or consider what thoughts and feelings might be driving a child’s behavior. For example, you might ask yourself, “what thoughts or feelings are my children likely experiencing that is making them behave in this way?”. When parents are able to provide these things, the pressure to be perfect can be lifted, and children can feel free to be themselves while still being fully loved. Children are forgiving of their parent’s mistakes; it is just important for parents to be aware of those mistakes and not repeat them over and over again.
The young boy and mother that I worked with weekly are a good example of this as well. This child’s mother provided for him, cared from him, loved him, and did whatever she could to make sure he was given what he needed to thrive. However, she struggled with her own past. Her own parents were verbally and emotionally abusive to her and she struggled to develop a close, loving attachment to them. This was clearly impacting her own parenting style. She was often critical of her son, raising her voice, and pointing out his mistakes. She thought consistently correcting his actions was the best parenting she could do. But as a result, this young boy did not want to be around his mother, he did not see a value in the advice she was giving him, and he resented the way she treated him. The key change here is that children are forgiving and open. Once his mother began to make changes, like taking the time to listen to him, praising him for his rights, and taking the time to understand when her outbursts were more related to her own past and her own experiences, he noticed it right away. He became closer to her, began to open up, and was receptive to her advice and guidance. This child’s aggressive behavior and conduct issues had a single motivation: to change his environment. He wanted someone to fix what was broken. Once his mother was able to work towards this, they were able to come back to each other. This not only healed their relationship but put an end to an intergenerational cycle that was being passed on from this mother’s own parents. So, to put good parenting into one definition or explanation wouldn’t be fair. What is most important though is to be able to be mindful of your child’s thoughts and emotions (mentalizing) and being flexible and responsive to the ever-changing needs of your child.
How do you inspire your child to “dream big”? Can you give an example or story?
I think the most important thing a parent can do is model behavior. If you want your child to strive for the best, they need to see you doing the same. For example, I worked with a teenage girl whose single mother worked a low paying job and was consistently paycheck to paycheck. She decided to make a change in her life and went back to school to become a medical assistant. It was tough, but she powered through and eventually graduated, giving her the work and financial stability she always wanted. As a result, her daughter, my client, began to take her own schooling more seriously. In therapy sessions, she talked about how proud she was of her mom and how it helped build up her own confidence in her schooling. It also brought them closer together.
How would you define “success” when it comes to raising children?
Raising children can be both rewarding and challenging, and it’s important to have realistic expectations and not to pressure yourself to be perfect. Setting unrealistic goals will only lead to increased stress, anxiety, sadness, burnout, emotional outbursts or withdrawal, and more. Instead, aim for “good-enough parenting,” a concept discussed earlier, by taking a moment to reflect on your own emotions, understanding where they come from, and learn from any mistakes you may make. Ask yourself, “did I take a moment to understand my own emotions and where they came from?”, “did something happen here that brought something up inside of me related to my own parents”, or “was I reacting to an unrelated stressor but unleashing it on who was in front of me?” The theme here is self-reflection and learning. Success in parenting isn’t about doing everything right, but rather about taking the time for personal growth and understanding.
This is a huge topic in itself, but it would be worthwhile to touch upon it here. What are some ideal social media and digital habits that you think parents should teach to their children?
Social media has a significant impact on everyone, especially children. Children are being exposed to social media at younger ages, and they may not have the skills to distinguish between true and false information or the critical thinking skills to form their own opinions about what they see online. It is important for children to learn healthy habits from their parents and other adults around them so that they can have a healthy relationship with social media.
It is important to create a safe and open space for children to talk to their parents about their experiences on social media. If a child brings up inappropriate or false/dangerous content that they have encountered online, it can be tempting for parents to react with panic or anger. However, it is important for parents to take a moment to regulate their own emotions before responding. Even in those few seconds before responding, be mindful of the emotions that are arising within you. Recognize that these emotions are a natural response to wanting to protect your child from harmful or inappropriate content. Instead of punishing the child (such as taking away their phone or restricting their access to social media), parents should praise the child for bringing the content to their attention. This will encourage open and safe communication and allow parents and children to have mature conversations about the content. Parents can ask their children questions such as, “What was your first impression of this content?”, “Do you think this is true?”, “What made you think this was true/not true?”, and “What was it like for you to share this with me?” This encourages open and safe conversation where you will be able to tackle each topic, one by one, without instilling fear within your child. By listening to understand, rather than to respond, and truly trying to understand your child’s perspective, you can create an open and safe space for conversation.
It is also just as important to talk about how the internet and social media, especially apps like TikTok that have consistent instant gratification, distract us from our emotions. It’s important for parents to model healthy behavior when it comes to social media and electronics use, especially in regard to handling difficult emotions. Children often see their parents as role models and will mimic their behavior, so it’s important to show them healthy ways to cope with uncomfortable feelings. Instead of distracting themselves with electronics, parents should try to model dealing with issues head on and resolving them without electronics.
Of course, parenting is a challenging task, and it’s important to find a balance and be mindful of your own behavior. It’s also crucial to set realistic goals that you can achieve. Telling yourself that you will never use electronics to resolve an issue may not be realistic and can lead to disappointment and a lack of progress towards the goal of reducing electronic use. It’s essential to be realistic and set goals that are attainable.
What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources that inspire you to be a better parent? Can you explain why you like them?
The TED Talks “The Power of Vulnerability” by Brené Brown and “My Stroke of Insight” by Jill Bolte Taylor both explore the importance of connections with others. These TED Talks truly dive into the meaning of connection with others and would be helpful for parents to understand in taking their first steps in building strong, loving, connections with their children.
Lastly, Affect Regulation, Mentalization, and the Development of Self by Peter Fonagy is a wonderful book on building the skills we spoke about today within yourself, and also in your children. Peter Fonagy termed the concept of “mentalization,” which is the capacity to understand your own and another person’s thoughts and behaviors. It is basically thinking about another person’s thinking. Truly understanding this concept is so incredibly valuable for all parents- and even simply watching a few YouTube videos on this topic can be tremendously helpful.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
There is a saying that I’ve used with my clients over the years, not because it’s particularly original or groundbreaking, but because it helps to bring things back to basics and serves as a reminder that is often needed: “It’s okay to not be okay.” In today’s society, there is a constant pressure to be “okay” and feel positive emotions. We are often told to “be grateful for what we have,” “focus on the positive,” and “remember that it could always be worse.” While these sentiments can be true, they are not always helpful when we are going through a difficult time. This type of thinking is sometimes referred to as “toxic positivity,” and the phrase “it’s okay to not be okay” is a way to counter this kind of thinking. It’s important to remember that it’s okay to feel sad, angry, frustrated, or even outraged by something, as long as these emotions are expressed in a way that does not harm ourselves or others.
I often hear people categorize feelings into “good” and “bad” feelings. I take a different approach and refer to them as “comfortable” and “uncomfortable” feelings. It’s important for parents to recognize that feelings of discomfort, such as shame, anger, and embarrassment, are not inherently “bad.” These feelings serve a purpose and can help us better understand the situations we are in and our reactions to them. If they were not useful and we needed to be rid of them as soon as they appear, humans would have evolved to be without them. So instead of seeing them as “bad” and needing to be gone right away, it is important to take the time to understand why that feeling is there, what it is telling you, how your body feels, and how this feeling helps you to better understand the situation you are in and why you are having the reaction that you are having. Yes, this may be uncomfortable, but it is not bad. It is part of the healing process. If a child always leaves therapy sessions feeling comfortable and happy, it may be a sign that they are not facing difficult emotions and not experiencing the discomfort that is necessary for growth and change. It’s okay to not be okay, and it’s important to recognize and address these uncomfortable feelings instead of trying to suppress them with artificial happiness.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)
I hope that adults can learn to recognize the importance of play and creativity in their own lives, not just in children’s. One of my favorite quotes is from Donald Winnicott, who said, “It is in playing and only in playing that the individual child or adult is able to be creative and to use the whole personality, and it is only in being creative that the individual discovers the self.” This means that play is essential for imagination, thinking, learning, cognitive skills, language skills, and more, not just for children but for adults as well. Play and creativity form the foundation of our development, art and culture, and healthy relationships with others. They allow us to truly understand ourselves and express ourselves in unique ways.
Adults are often fearful of play and silliness, and reserve this for children. Play can take many forms, including traditional activities like toy play or playground activities, as well as creative outlets like painting, crochet, or music. It can also include physical activities such as hiking, sports, or simply spending time in nature. As adults, we often get caught up in the routines of daily life and neglect to tap into our right brains, where we are able to connect genuinely and vulnerably with others. By embracing play and connecting with our inner child, we can better understand ourselves and our place in the world. That is what I hope I inspire to others, whether parents or not, to be able to play, be silly, connect to our inner child, and connect with our true selves.
Thank you so much for these insights! This was so inspiring!
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